I have written and re-written this blog many times. I want to convey to you what is going on in our lives, but I don’t want to seem bitter or angry. I want my family and friends to understand how I feel and what I’m going through, but infertility in and of itself is such a intimate subject. Plus, finding a balance between being truthful and optimistic is very difficult.
President Howard W. Hunter once said "I think it is incumbent upon us to rejoice a little more and despair a little less, to give thanks for what we have and for the magnitude of God's blessings to us, and to talk a little less about what we may not have." This quote reminds me of what President Uchtdorf said last night at the Relief Society conference about appreciating the blessings in our lives now and not reserving our happiness for our "golden ticket." I can honestly say that most days Devan and I are happy. We recognize all the good and wonderful things in our lives. Granted, there are days when seeing the good is difficult and I'm just down right sad, pissed, and ornery.
Here is a little background on our journey thus far. In January I started a study called EAGeR. I was on that for 6 months. Even though it has an 80% success rate for pregnancy it didn’t work for me. Our next step was IUI. Not artificial insemination, not IVF. We have had 2 fail and are in the middle of the 3rd round right now. We think will try this a total of 4 times before starting to look at IVF but who knows. If we find ourselves having to go down that road we are not really sure when we will start mostly because IVF is quite expensive and we will have to save up our money first. Depressing isn’t it? Since we started this journey we have watched every single one of our friends get pregnant. We have watched 8 nieces and nephews come in to this world. And while that hurts way more than anyone could possibly understand it is also exciting and fun to be able to bond with their kids. I joke that it is a goal of mine of mine to be the “favorite aunt” but there’s a lot of truth in it. In many ways my nieces, nephews & friend’s children help fill a deep void in my life.
I think one of the more difficult things to deal with is what other people say. I can try to control how I feel and act but I can't change what other people say. Here are some things people sometimes say that either hurt my feelings or are generally not needed. Before I start listing some common phrases please know I don’t get mad when I hear them. And if by chance you have said one or more of these things to me I don’t hold it against you. I know for a fact that my family and friends say things because they love me and that there are no ill intentions behind their words. This is meant to be purely educational.
Here we go:
** “You don’t know because you don’t have kids.” - We may not have kids and don’t truly understand the inner workings of raising kids, but hey, give us a little bit of credit. We’ve observed a lot of people raise kids and we have been raised by wonderful parents ourselves.
** “It finally feels like you guys are doing something about it.” - Devan and I have proceeded down this road of infertility at exactly the pace that suits us best. I needed to take time off after Charlie died and Devan got sick. I needed to take time off after my miscarriage in order to get my feelings in check…in order to not be so bitter. To this day we do what we feel is right for our family. I look to Devan much of the time for his opinion. He is the priesthood leader in our home and I fully support, believe in, and have faith that he is receiving the guidance we need.
** “Relax and it will happen.” – Devan and I are well beyond “just relaxing.” Granted, being overly stressed doesn’t help with infertility and trust me when I say that we work really hard to not be stressed out. A cruise or massage isn’t going to fix my partially block fallopian tube or the fact that I don’t ovulate on my own regularly.
** “Adoption” – This is something that Devan and I are not ready to look at or even consider. Hopefully we never get to that point, but if we do it will be because we feel like it is right for us.
Now that you know what’s going on I just wanted to thank all of you for your prayers and support during this incredibly difficult time in my life. I know I’m not the best at showing my emotions or asking for help when things go bad. I have learned over recent years that when I’m faced with something difficult I tend to hold it inside and deal with it all on my own. Often times I hesitate talking about it because I don’t want to come across as being whiny. I don’t want people to think that all I want to talk about is my infertility issues. I don’t want my inability to get pregnant to define me. After so many years, I would imagine it gets old for everyone to hear about it…I know that I’m getting tired with having to deal with it. It’s also difficult to discuss the issue when I feel like nobody knows what it’s like to want to be parent and not be able to get pregnant. I often turn to books, blogs and online forums in order to see how other people deal with all this. I guess what I’m trying to get at is that while Devan and I might be quiet mourners we appreciate all the love that we receive from all of you. I’ll usually talk about anything going on in my life with anyone who asks. If I don’t want to talk about it at that moment I will simply say so - but know that I’m usually ok within a couple of days.
Devan and I have a lot in our lives that is going great. Life it good 95% of the time. I am lucky to have such an amazing husband. With everything that has gone on these last 3 years I truly know that we can make it through anything when we stick together. We are lucky to have wonderful family & friends!!! We love you all so much!!!
Thank you for being there for us!
