In Loving Memory

Most anyone who actually views my blog knows by now that my sweet brother Charlie passed away on Sunday, July 27th. I'm sitting here trying to figure out what to write because this all seems so surreal to me. So far this week I've had to help my parents pick out Charlie's casket, grave plot, and even the cloths he will be buried in. "Did I really just help decide what songs we will be singing at my brother's funeral?" This is the type of question I keep asking myself. I would explain what we have doing day to day except there seems to be no such thing as time lately. Sunday was honestly the longest day of my entire life. I got the ever dreaded phone call at 6:15 in the morning. "Hello?"..."Hi"..."How are you,,,sleepy?"..."Ya"..."I've got some bad news"..."Oh"..."Charlie killed myself last night"..."What???". My heart was racing, I can remember thinking that my heart would pound out of my chest. I couldn't control my breath. I remember whispering to Devan "Charlie killed himself." Even three days later I still can't believe it has happened. I'm hoping it will all sink in a little bit tomorrow; that is the when my mom, dad and myself all go to the mortuary as a family to view him. I'm torn as to if I want see him, if I want to hold him. Who knows, maybe I will just sit there and scream at him to wake up.
Charlie had dealt with depression most of his teenage and adult life. It is unfortunately something that runs on my mom's side of the family. Much like her dad, Charlie became very angry when he drank. Saturday night he took a lethal combination of alcohol and other controlled substances. I know in my heart that he had not contemplated suicide before he fatally pulled the trigger. We had talked about it in the pass and he always said that he would never do it because he loved his son so much. He didn't leave a note...he never said goodbye...he just left us. My heart breaks to think that he was home alone, sitting in the corner of his bedroom, thinking that the only way out of the situation he was in was to end his life.
One of the only things keeping everything "real" is his son Mason. One can't be too sad all the time when a two year is hurling Mr. Potato head around the room and pretending he is a tickle monster. Yet, I look at him and all the things he will do in his and know that his dad will not be at his side...physically. Tonight I had to email a picture of Charlie to the mortuary and the second it popped up onto the screen Mason said "DADDY." My heart broke. He was such a daddy's boy.
One thing that still seems amazing to me is the outpouring of love that our family has received. We never knew we had this many friends. The cards, phone calls, and visits are so appreciated. It's a little easier to get through the minutes when we are not alone.
Devan and his parents fly in tomorrow and I can't wait to see them. I need Devan so much right now. I need him to help me endure the greatest trial of my life so far. I'm thankful for the gospel. It is the light at the end of tunnel to know that I will once again see my dear brother again.
This was the last picture I took with my brother...If I had only known I would have taken so many more.

I LOVE YOU CHUCKLES!!!